Lies Between Us, podcast episode #26: Co-host Shequila Hoye

Me, Shequila, Russell, and Erik: the DreamBikes dream team.

There is so much adhesive hardship in life, aka trauma. Within this vibrant episode, my dear gal pal Shequila and I discuss substance abuse, poor mental health, and more. Shequila knows the all-consuming grip of addiction too-too well, having witnessed her mother's struggle with abusing heroin and other substances for three decades. She shouldered the role of caregiver to her four younger siblings while still a child herself, then found interludes of refuge at her grandmother's apartment in the Allied Drive neighborhood of Madison Wisconsin, where Shequila spent time with 15 other grandchildren.

Shequila and I have known each other for more than a dozen years and last November, her and I joined forces to present a communal exposition panel on substance abuse at Garver Feed Mill in Madison, the full-length live recording which you can find within podcast #24, two episodes prior to this one. With over 100 community sisters and brothers in attendance, that Garver event was spectacularly informative. Please give it a listen.

After being honorably discharged from the United States Navy because of an injury, Shequila went on to earn her master’s degree in social work and is currently employed as an intensive outpatient and transition therapist. Shequila helped launch Madison's ‘CARES’ team in 2021, providing an alternative response to behavioral health-related 911 calls. While working to break down barriers to mental health care, she soldiers on toward a Doctorate in Social Work.

Tragically at 20 years young, Shequila’s youngest brother Michael died of an accidental drug overdose in the most ridiculous manner. Also here within episode 26, we land on the topics of helplessness and hopelessness for a while, as well as conversing what it does to us fundamentally to grow up without a mother. I ask Shequila about her family’s most dysfunctional dynamic, the question arising somewhat because Shequila’s parents were both 15 years old when they had her.

Shequila fires back to me with the query of what used to make me happy, but no longer does. She then questions the relationship between taking care of others, meaning our acts of kindness and service, aligned with who we ourselves are. Shequila charges me to contemplate the difference between love and addiction, asking me what I learned about love from my parents.

Shequila masterfully explains to me the condition of ‘abandonment trauma’, meaning parental wounds, and here specifically, ‘mother wounds’. What do mothers do for their offspring anyway, and when growing up without one, why do we often face the world ourselves to provide others the care we missed? Additionally…being without but still yearning for a home. And being without but still desiring access to nurturing support and comforts.

I raise the scenario of fearing my clinically insane mother, awhile avoiding the indoors, and specifically the fright of being trapped behind school walls. Shequila shares her scariest life experience…the terror of being left at the park all day while in care of her younger siblings, when she was eight years old. Not going into detail, but Shequila mentions the times her mom overdosed at home, and I riddle Shequila why she chose social work, I wonder about the toll that the line of work extracts from her, and inquire if she has any regrets in life.

Shequila shares her confusion after being discharged from the Navy, and I ask her what she thinks holds her back from her best life right now. Well, can you guess the answer? Shequila describes unpacking the grief of life. I challenged Shequila to define the word ‘betrayal’, and she asks me why I started the nonprofit DreamBikes.  

What was the dumbest thing Shequila’s ever done? And what scares her the most…the uncertainty of finding normalcy and self-reliance like days gone past.

We go on:

What’s your biggest regret?

The nurture that Mother Nature provides.

Losing life’s purpose.

Sometimes hurtful feels like hateful.

Losing your best friend to street violence.

Challenging our core beliefs, and the way through to making real personal advancements.

Are there any skeletons in your closet?

The impact of telling our stories.

What holds us humanoids back, how do we become stuck, and what’s behind it all: Our most common suffrages.

Depression: Feelings – symptoms - feelings.

The lies that we tell ourselves: Staying in a shitty situation instead of pushing forward for change.