Dear Diary

My sixth daybook journal, all Ted Baker London bound page thought holders.

I’ve put myself into a real spot.

I’m almost cash broke again.

Moreover, if I take what I need from my IRA, I’ll incur huge penalty paybacks from health insurance. Seems there’s no way out of this one, I’m fucked.

I don’t have much to sell of real value.

The books aren’t / won’t make enough money to help.

To Lauren I’m a liar anyway so why fucking bother to write more?

The podcast isn’t anything but a time suck.

Nobody fucking cares anyway so why bother?

I’m wasting so much fucking money with medical, legal, storage, etcetera, and fucking why?

Why?

Why am I so strapped and stressed?

Why?

Because I foolishly believed I could help others. I thought I held something worthy. And despite trying, maybe I’m just doing it wrong, or I’m horrible at it.

The videos, the blogs, who the fuck cares nobody.

It didn’t work. The great four-year experiment has maybe run its due, or I just suck at this. Regardless, it’s just not working.

So now what?

What is there to fight for, what is there to live for, seems like I’m living just to try and fucking pay bills.

The bills don’t fucking care, they keep coming, and always will. I’m too fucked up to be in a relationship. My body is too broken to do much manual work or pursue athletics any more than I minimally do now, so now what?

I’m so fucking tired of this, all of it.

I’m so fucking tired.

I bust my ass every day, all day and still I get nowhere. Realistically can I even get a fulltime job because I don’t see how the dog can stay home alone all day.

My hope, my dream of being able to help has come close to decimation. Why bother?

All the women in my life hate me, I’m a shitty human, I suck at what I’m attempting to do for humanity, I’m nonrelevant to any worthy cause, so how can I survive? And what constitutes survival anyway? Survive for what purpose? Survive for whom? And why? Why, just to make money so to afford to pay bills? Is that what my shitty fucking life comes down to, needing to make money to pay bills? What a fucking horrible cesspool I’m standing in.

So what are the main limiting factors, what are the emotional and factual constraints, what’s the fucking problem?

Is my mind so inside out that I can’t even view reality?