Time Remaining

Might you care about me ‘til the end of time

Can it be you forever hunger to know how I am

Could it be you won’t throw our love away

Would you keep on loving me however slight, however far apart?

Aren’t we mostly all the same, I think so. We struggle with the needs, and the wants, and the little daily stuff too of just being human. Money is always on our minds, and we remind ourselves often how we so-much wish we could be a better person in certain regards. We regularly force ourselves to be happy, and quite often let ourselves feel sad. It seems this is the way it goes for us modern day people, this the constant undulation of life.

A few years ago I constructed the concept of rollercoaster puzzle game, aka life. Briefly: Puzzles don’t include directions, just start futzing with the pieces. Games do not have a predetermined outcome, otherwise it’s not a game. Rollercoasters are designed to shock and scare, but you better hold on. For goodness sake and of course we do this herky-jerky up-and-down back-and-forth bemusement business to ourselves. Oh yes and then for certain the contest of them rats a racing outstretches its arm to regularly pull us by the hair back onto the field, but abottom the unfiltered truth of the situation is the fact we afford the world the opportunity to fuck with us.

And what about me? My number one contention in life is fear.

Mostly it amounts to the fear of being separated from those I love, or those I was supposed to love. For decades my coping mechanisms were all cynical, excessive, and self-harming…that is until I picked up the pen. At first I believed myself incompetent to write complete sentences, because I had never done it before. So around 2004, I began processing my pain through poetry. Without the healthy release of poetry, I am rather certain I would not have survived.

Living in a small rustic residence sans internet, no cell service and without television, I possess the rare opportunity to work deeply. Sometimes my run down the rabbit hole goes too far and lasts too long. Not that this trip leaves me looking for a magic pill to make myself bigger or smaller, but I need to practice cautioned awareness or I might get stuck having tea with a mad group of chatty hatted characters.

Is intention not purpose, is purpose not intention?

Us Americans sure do get our heartrates up around the holidays. We celebrate much-much excessiveness, spending, hurriedness, gifting and drink. Awhile it is arguably the hardest fricking month and a half of the entire gosh darn year for the least of us. On the downside bottom of the sledding hill we fumble to fit in, we struggle to know where to be, and we anguish to choose how to even make it through another day. Veritably, some of us do not outlive ourselves to ring in the New Year.

Christmas is nine days away for Pete’s sake and this is my second year living five hours apart from my kids. Needless to say my emotions are on high alert. Two nights ago the below first six words popped into my head, then I but quick rounded out this riff. Hold up a sec though, this is not my literal current state. Elsewise and most def this is the summation of all experienced days past, up until about five minutes ago.

I couldn’t move

I couldn’t breathe

I couldn’t fight

I couldn’t leave

I couldn’t celebrate

I couldn’t grieve

I couldn’t understand

I couldn’t perceive

I was stuck

I was bound

It was confusing

It was loud

My hopes went away

My dreams ran astray

My drive ground to a halt

The sun remained at bay

I’d prefer it another way

But what is wrong I cannot say.

Today is unseasonably mild so I have several outdoor projects planned. Originally I was going on a two-hour-plus fatbike ride in the snow but no, it’s a little too icy and I’m going to attempt and avoid collecting my ninth concussion of 2024…eight was enough. Instead I’ll finish writing this piece then get moving. Tomorrow I’ll going XC skiing in the U.P. of Michigan. Today the summer tires on my truck need swapping, my skis need waxing, a few friends need calling, and some meditation sitting needs to be sat.

New Year’s resolutions are not my thing, rather all that sort of stuff is already included in my documented life process. At the end of each month I do a personal review, and it being the last month of the calendar, well, a year-end analysis is in order. Habitually I am more philosophical than mathematical, although I tend both to the seeds in the ground awhile the clouds in the sky. So, what worked in 2024?

In January me and the kids took a treasureful journey to New York, a literal tightened togetherness I will always remember, always. In June my daughter and I shared an incredible roadtrip adventure across New England, the best of times her and I have had alone. Then I spent almost three dedicated months away from home alongside friends.

I committed to helping others at a higher level and stepped outside my comfort zone, passing my Certified Peer Specialist exam. I took a job as a program counselor at a community transitions housing facility, but it didn’t last long. At least I tried, at least I did something, meanwhile I learned a lot.

I began working part-time nearby at the coolest clothing store I’ve ever been in. I rode my bike more than the years of late and so far I’ve skied more than I skied all last season. I wrote many nonfiction words, constructed 50+ poems and strangely I took a swing at fiction, fabricating my first ever two fantasy chapters. My second book published in November.

I reinforced that when focused, I am good. But when astray, my emotions wander. My CoolShit ToolKit binder, which has been my personal operating system for over 20 years, this my proprietary process binder keeps me on track.

Although the lack of internet and cell service at home might sound like a good idea, I have found the rest of the world prefers texting over all else. Seems like a convenience thing. Such creates a challenge and this part of my puzzle will need sorting out in 2025, we will see how that goes *sigh*.

As I move further from the date of my birth and closer to the date of my death, I continue to act with intention, explore every crevice of both my conscious and below, remain focused, observe a fun fluidity, and do my humanly best to make a difference in our world with the precious-precious time I have left.  

Please look out for each other, especially those home alone for the holidays.

Love you all,

Bird out.