Life Attempts to Tear Us Apart
The world tries to make us fear the worst. Life tries to make us believe there is something wrong with us, that we deserve this, and that our hardships will go on forever.
We want to scream, we want to fight back, we want to break something, and we absolutely want to fricking quit.
All of this is understandable. Not to say I comprehend exactly what you are going through right now, because I do not. Not to say I can exactly feel what you are feeling, see what you are seeing, know what you know, because I cannot. You are struggling with something totally hidden from me. But I can draw upon my own lived experience to say this with absolute certainty: When life is trying to defeat you, it IS possible that you CAN triumph.
Yes, yes you are…yes you are tough enough to endure. Yes you are courageous enough to keep going. Yes you are smart enough to figure this out. Yes you do have what it takes to overcome this lofty challenge. Yes you can grow to stand taller than your pain. Yes you can achieve what it is you want, and learn to live a new way…yes you can.
When we feel shit upon, when we feel taken advantage of, when we feel dismissed, when we feel marginalized, when we are lonely, when we believe that THIS is as good as it is gonna get, when we fight to condemn the slander that is slathered upon us, well, it is worthy to realize that this is a test.
This is a test; this is the test of being human.
This is the test to see if we can rise above the mediocre to find our way through to the wonderful. This is the challenge of being tougher than the world would like us to believe. This is the endeavor to withstand all that life throws at us, and still keep going no matter what the fricking what.
Well how the hell do we do that? Shortly upcoming are 11 life learnings that I believe are worthy to share amid such times of peril. This is not a comprehensive collection, but rather a prioritized starter list.
Now, I am sorry that you are experiencing such hardship at the moment. Sounds like buildings are imploding all around you, smothering you, and the rubble is piling up over your head. It’s perfectly natural that your response would be to argue, to fight, to feel ambivalent about the future, to escape, to run, and to quit. It’s perfectly acceptable for you to feel this way.
Now the list.
Breath. Amid anxiety, high stress, maximum effort, and abottom the barrel of our uncontrollables, we unknowingly lose control of our breath. This imbalance contributes to throw our emotions into a tailspin. Initially I learned this extremely powerful life lesson via athletics, working with the amazing Coach Troy, right after I turned pro. Meanwhile, in everyday walkaround life, if we can stop for a minute to regain control of our breathing, then we can think and act more rationally. Here’s how. Close your eyes. Take in through your nose the deepest and longest breath possible, then suck in a tiny bit more. Hold it as long as you can, then exhale fully through your mouth. Don’t rush. Pause as long as possible between steps and before starting again. Then repeat three times or more. This gives us a break; this gap affords us the opportunity to respond, not react. Remember to remain in control of your breath. Breath.
Lesson. If recognizing that we are our own worst enemy, and that our enemies are our best teachers, then what is there to gain here, what is there to learn? What does this experience mean? What is the lesson hidden within? Has this happened before- because maybe we didn’t previously slow to learn from it; perhaps we didn’t pause prior to understand it. Can we now slow to see what is at the bottom of this? Can we break routine to not battle this issue, but rather be curious? Oh sure it’s going to be hard, oh sure it’s going to hurt, but what more is there to discover here before it arises again later? Slow. Be curious. Look for the teaching within the pain. Try to stick and work all the way through it, so this doesn’t keep rising up and biting you. Be curious. Lesson.
Game. This is a game…this is the rollercoaster puzzle game of life. This is a game, and this game will continue for all of our days; all of them. Even when it feels like we’re winning, the game is conspiring to beat us. But hah, it’s just a game. It’s a game: Games do not include a predetermined outcome, otherwise it’s not a game. Games can be fun, games can be hard, games can be unfair. Even when the game is demanding, even when we are sweating and struggling, we can look back and find pride in the fact we finished the contest, even when the scoreboard does not compute in our favor. Life: It’s also a puzzle. Puzzles never include directions, just start futzing with the pieces until they begin to fit together. Maybe begin with the edges, or focus on a color swath; do it however it works best for you. Life is also a rollercoaster, something designed to shock and scare. Something built to threaten us; something bigger, faster, and more powerful than we are ourselves. But this ride was constructed for us. To make us sweat, to make us scream, to make us cry, and to invigorate us in a way nothing else will. It’s a ride that might intimidate us not to even attempt. It’s a ride that if we can do it, the thrill of making it through makes us feel so much better and tougher and confident than before. It’s a ride that lets us see that we can do anything. Just play. Play the game without letting the game play you. Game.
Allowance. Allow yourself to be human. Allow space, and time, and compassion to find your own way, to construct your own path. We do not fail at anything, we learn something by the effort. We are continuously learning every minute, even if understanding how to get started, or understanding that at least we made it this far before we begin again later. Even my drug addiction affords me an education I would have never gained elsewise, never-ever. We are so gosh darn hard on ourselves yet this too is part of the journey. We are not wrong, we are not bad, we are not a disallowed individual but rather we are human. Such dynamism and creativity and knowledge is capable inside no other earthly creature but us. Oh sure we create much of humanity’s problems, but we also have the amazing opportunity to solve much of the world’s difficulties. It ALL starts with us. It starts with us the individual because it CANNOT begin anywhere else. It starts with us and yet we need to find our way through to allow ourselves the flexibility to figure shit out. There is no instruction manual for living, no formula or recipe for a perfect outcome, and when able to give ourselves a break that we’re not doing it wrong, then we are ok. We’re not doing it wrong, there is no wrong way. You’re not doing it wrong. Please allow yourself to be imperfect, allow yourself to be unique, one of a kind, and irreplaceable- allow yourself to be human. Love you most. Allow.
Write. There is a special processing that occurs when putting pen to paper. Everything we write down is heard by our own cognizant sensibility as we scribble. As we write, we challenge our own personal truth of the matter. Any question can be asked of ourselves, and any answer can be answered, without any peering creeper eyes upon us and without any judgements against us. When at my worst and when exercise doesn’t cut it, I write. 100% of the time I then feel better: I center, I ground myself, and I reorient towards the true truth of the matter. Legit, my most valuable life tool is writing. Writing enables positive change within us. Writing deafens the noise. Writing is a mental clearing house. Writing makes me mindful. So grab a pen, find a quiet space and write it out. Write.
Take the one seat. Prince Siddhartha (who would become the Buddha) sat, trying to work through his emotional struggles toward the highest goal of attaining enlightenment. Mara the demonic king attacked Siddhartha, tempting Siddhartha, threatening him, urging him to stand from his seat and react negatively to Mara. But Siddhartha remained still and focused, letting Mara rage all around him unphased. Can we not behave as a modern day disciple of the Buddha, a bodhisattva as it is called, of course we can. If we can walk into a room that contains only one chair, and sit soundly…if we can take that one seat and remain sat while the world attempts to fuck with us…if we can retain composure and find the truth of the situation without judging, blaming or assuming, then we are ok. Oh for sure the pressures abound. The threats many. The temptations endless. But we have the opportunity to become the epitome of resolve: Stronger than all that tries to stop us, if we can take the one seat. One seat.
Don’t try to be smarter than the plan. Often, we stray away from a good working plan. We become at ease that we have control over life and those practices that once served us well, meaning those devices that guided us or even saved us are no longer needed. Think back to when your life proceeded swimmingly and recall what disciplines were utilized to help you stay on your path. Have we since abandoned those habits, those routines, those rituals, most likely so. Let us look back to what has worked for us in the past and bring forward the opportunity to institute some of that good shit in the here and now. We realize we need minimal guardrails in life to keep from driving off the cliff. Maybe the unique glue holding our pieces together includes exercise, friend togetherness, introspection time, creative hobby time, or whatever. Regardless, don’t think you’re smarter than the plan.
Feel the sun despite the clouds. Incessant hard rain dumps upon our heads. We buy into the hype of negativity, and become a cynical talking head. But alas let us see the factual truth. Let us look behind the curtain of veritable nature. Let us remove the literal mask…have you ever flown out of an airport where it’s raining? And at a certain altitude the plane breaks through the clouds and into a field of marvel and beauty and pure sunshine. That’s real; no poem nor fable. It’s a healthy reminder in most all situations that despite the darkness, regardless the clouds, in spite of the rain, the sun is still shining. She’s doing her thing. If we can remember to see the sun despite the clouds, well then we can bring some light to our life, and some brightness to the world. Feel the sun, despite the clouds. ☀️
I’m here because of all I’ve done or not done, or what I’ve allowed. I am the sum of my parts, I am my triumphs and my trauma. I do not pretend I never did those things that I might be ashamed to now admit, because those experiences add up to make me who I am. This here life is currently operating as it is precisely because of me, no one else. No one forced me to violently resent my parents, I did that. No one pushed me to drop out of school, I did that. No one pressured me to put that needle in my arm, I did that. No one drove me to quit drugs and turn pro on the mountainbike, I did that. No one put me here but me. I did it, all of it, and I own it. I have zero regrets. I wouldn’t change a thing, because I wouldn’t be who I am now without all the twists and turns, alas it could have turned out so much worse. I’ll take it. I did this, all of it.
Begin anew. Shed everything that went wrong with yesterday. Try not to hold onto the spite or the resentment or the distaste. I can start over again anytime I want. As mentioned, much of the release of old shit depends on my ability to think truthfully and breathe. If I can come back to reality and focus just on the next three minutes, the next 10 steps forward, and zero-in on the five-foot physical space box around me, then I do much better. I try to begin anew everyday, utilizing my personal life process dubbed my ‘CoolShit ToolKit’ and atop my list of rules for living (aka my ‘Opus’) is this very phrase: “I did this, or at least I let it happen, and only I can change it.”
Weekends remaining. Currently I have about 1,000 weekends left before I expect my time to expire. This is not a morbid portrait but rather an amazing outlook of potential. Being thoughtful to make moments matter, minding to the preciousness of one day’s time, and using the weekly turn of the page to utilize weekends helps hold me accountable. Accountable for what? Accountable to myself that I am working on what is important. That I am making time for myself. That I am giving of myself to others. That I carve out time for invariables: The necessary urgencies of life that if otherwise not attended to could really mess me up. So although I play everyday, although I sleep in a few extra minutes most anytime I want to, I also remain mindful of the passing of precious weekends- one minute, one step, one foot, one day, and one week at a time.
