Lies Between Us, Roger’s podcast episode #17

I am engaged in a battle to make my own life.

We all are.

I attempt to live more like I desire, and less like I do not.

We all do.

Our frightening memories haunt us, we bleed quarts from past pains. The chain of yesterday is incarcerating, dragging the weight of days gone by with us wherever we go.

Maybe we are teetering precariously, clinging to the thought of scary and doubtful tomorrows.

Perhaps engulfed, overwhelmed and part-time breathless, held down and trapped within the shallow but deadly drowning pool of our here and now hopelessness.

Even if believing we have already given up, thinking our life is done but we forgot to tell anyone, if breath even begrudgingly still swirls through our chest, it’s not over.

We all struggle with something, fucking all of us.

We all pain. We all suffer, with all sorts of shit.

Stuff we dislike. Stuff we fear. Stuff we doubt.

Stuff we have. Stuff we don’t.

Stuff we want. Stuff we want to shed.

Stuff making life harder than we think life should be.  

And we suffer with all sorts of random self-imposed worry and stress in between.

Life is hard. Life pain is harder.  

Yes, pain rains harder for some than others. But less hard or harder, still hard. 

Struggle is struggle and there is no measurement for pain.

We process our own shit and position it along our own relative hardship scale.

We cannot associate our trauma in comparison to another human trauma.

Said before and echoing slightly, all pain is local.

After the hardest parts of life settle, moments of relief arrive, always. 

After a stretch of good times, periods of pain and stress visit us, to be sure.

Life goes up and down, down and up, always, like clouds afront the bright sun.

All of us are stuck to something, something with more control over us than we have over it. Either shooting dope or exercising or working too much or watching sports or judging or the act of worrying itself. If unable to turn it off and walk away at will, aka if unable to control our anxiety or behavior, I call this stickiness addiction. We all have something clinging to us, scratching us, biting us, or eluding us, and maybe all of it simultaneously.

Suffering remains as ever-present. Growing into the learned weathering of up’s and downs, residing in the middle, is my greatest challenge awhile my greatest opportunity. I try to remain certain even when low, an up period is on its way coming to me, always.

With or without placement of middle, we do it our way.

No other way is available to us except our way.

Our way is the correct way for us, aka there is no wrong way.

Aka there is no wrong way.

There is no wrong way.

During a down, I try to hold on and keep from making my hard things any worse. During a down, I dig with my best emotional shovel to my deepest place of best try, to start shaking the hard thing, or try to avoid giving the hard thing more power. To arrive at the bottom of my best try well, if able to act on my best try, maybe I can begin, if I am willing. If I can try, if I can start, I most certainly initiate movement, and quite possibly maybe movement in a direction of betterment, aka less down. I just need to try, I just need to try and start, aka my concept of Get to the Curb.

This rollercoaster ride, a puzzle. This puzzle a game, this puzzle game called life.

Rollercoasters are designed to shock and scare.

Puzzles do not include directions. No directions exist for puzzles, just start.

Games never include a certain and definable outcome and if so, it’s not a game.

Life comes with no owner’s manual, only to learn life is a rollercoaster puzzle game.

Knowing up periods always follow down periods, I land and remain in a better place.

A better place where I feel safer, warmer, and grow a little stronger.

A better place instead of remaining stuck within the turmoil.

A better place than the turmoil of “Whatever”, “Why bother?”, and “Why me?”.  

A better place, confident and reassured I am not the only one hurting.

A better place, confident and reassured I am not doing it wrong as once thought.

The rollercoaster puzzle life game, I am not doing it wrong.

There is no wrong way.

But rather, just play the game.

Just futz with the puzzle pieces until they begin to fit together.

And hang on, it’s gonna be a hell of a ride, sometimes shocking, sometimes scary, but remember, it was designed that way.