Easy paths, Hard paths.

Mostly, we get to choose how to spend our time and live our lives. Yet with our intentional orientation decided and through the actual choices we make, we do not always spend our time and live our lives as we choose. A magnetically altering force pulls us from our desired path and the creep of dissatisfaction and overdue promises set in. This general life discomfort can span a wide range of hardships and last a wide range of years, when we allow it.

As another school year begins and we all adapt to living a revised routine, I think of two things in general: paths in life and hardship.

Generally, I classify many of my moves on the chessboard of life as nontraditional. With sound resolve, I have walk away from that which takes much more than it gives. I walked away from high school before the completion of my junior year. I did it for all the wrong reasons, but it afforded me another level of education that most First World humans will never know. I walked away from a big, stupid-money work career before I could actually afford to do so. I did it for all the right reasons, and it allowed me to have a relationship with my kids I would have otherwise missed. I would not change a thing.

I chose a sport that hurt me time and again but saved me from a fate far worse. The jury is out on the possible lasting effects, both from the muscular and skeletal trauma after 17 years of competition. Somewhat more worrisome is the 30+ brain injuries which cause legitimate concern for the future possible disabilities of dementia, Alzheimer’s, or similar afflictions like Parkinson’s. I also walked away from two marriages when it was clear to me, we would be better off apart than together, at least in my own heart. Leaving my two great loves behind was the right thing at the time and now I accept my current reality and the adaptation to an empty house, unless you record the occasional scurry of my two roommates, the cats named Mro-Mrow and Neko.

I mostly lead with my heart, although sometimes those decisions leave me with having to taking the long way around or resting at home afterwards, nursing my wounds. Sometimes I would rather do it the hard way. I revel in times of commitment, hard work, adversity, and pain. The history here is long and I think the hardness of life shows me what I am capable of and always, there is more room for success than I had imagined there to be.

46 years of twists and turns, the amount of time my father allowed me enough freedom or lack of restriction to do as I wish. In most ways, I did not feel I had much to lose, so I was quick to gamble. Many things turned out splendidly, many more did not. In the end, I intend my life to mean something and in more than a few ways, it seems that at least by some measure, I will leave something behind to be revered.

Last week my son Travis (20) began his 100% online college junior classes at University of Wisconsin, Madison. He came home a couple years ago to live with me after his freshman year and now lives with his college buddies year-round. I do not foresee him coming back but I am sticking around for two more years, just in case. My daughter Lauren (18) just started her final year of high school and for almost two years now, she has lived with her mom full-time but only about one mile away from me here in Cottage Grove, WI.

I live in the same house I have been in since my first divorce was finalized in 2007. I spend about three hours of my day on introspection and planning. I ponder the menu of options for the hours and of the days ahead, trying to choose my time wisely. I spend at least an hour or two writing in my memoir almost every day. I began the memoir project in earnest on February 1st this year and currently have 123,808 words written down with a goal of a published piece ready for the Christmas Tree this year. The memoir is being written directly to my kids Travis and Lauren. I may attempt to modify the memoir for general public consumption in 2021, we will see.

I try to ride my bike every day but for the last six weeks or so I have suffered from some weird fatigue thing. I see the doctor this coming Wednesday, and they will do a full blood screen. I thought maybe an iron-deficiency anemia was the culprit but after almost three weeks of supplements and nutritional adjustments, I cannot say I am any better. Maybe I have Lyme disease or maybe it is something else. Maybe it is nothing, a diagnosis void of any specificity at all is my prediction.

Other than that, I stay busy with chores around the house, trying to finish the fence in my vegetable garden to keep the critters out, painting the exterior of the BirdHouseSouth, doing yard work, or just cleaning the much-bigger-than-me-and-two-cats-need house. I actually like cleaning the house and I mostly keep the place organized and touched up, but it just takes a lot of time. Those four bathrooms are plain high maintenance, even though I barely use two of them. I choose not to date, my time booked with my higher-purpose project (the kid’s memoir) and my heart still topped-off from ex #2.

I try to live inside of myself. Challenging what it is I think I know and trying to learn more about what I am sure I do not know. I will never learn all I want to learn but, on most days, I do believe that I know as much as I need to.

I try to live outside of myself too. Taking time to help others, listen well, and just sit watching the trees do their dance in harmony with the wind chimes from my front porch. I have only made the 300-mile trek to my Northwoods retreat three times since St. Patrick’s Day and one of those trips was a quick overnight to grab bike clothes I would need for a summer of bike riding, safe and sound at home with the cats. My 120-year old log cabin up north has no phone, no TV, no internet, and I have to drive 15 minutes to even get a cell signal which is just the way I like it. My time north is magical with the mountainbike / ski trails just steps away and seven acres of trees and critters to surround me and help keep me grounded.

My life’s future? Uncertain which it would be anyway, even with the best-laid plans. I spend my time thoughtfully inside and outside of myself, doing my best for today. Today is a day to try to work on the right stuff, taking time to breathe, sit in silence, pass out a few I Love You’s, and let go of the things out of my reach or low on my list.

I wish you well, I wish you peace, and the strength to do what is right for you, today and for all your days to come.

Love & respect.

~ Bird out.