Clean

You, much like me.

Me, much like you.

We differ yes, yet much-much the same.

My pain arrives for me, same as you.

Once in my earlier time, my pain came for me, she came, and she would not leave.

Not yet knowing my truths, not cognizant I had choice, I desired shelter from her, my pain.

Not always showing herself, yet she was always with me.

I tried to hide, as you have. I tried to run, as you have.

She never lost sight of me, even sidestepping into darkness she would find me, she would not tire.

I had the power within to keep running and keep her at bay, just not the courage.

I could have lived unaided, solely and entirely within my own shoes, but grew tired and I waivered.

My voids sculpted me empty, I lost my confidence; I lost my strength.

To garner forward movement, I must remember. For me, I must never forget.

Never forget the yearning for help but would not open my mouth. I just wanted a break, please.

Never forget the emptiness I let blanket me, and the resulting damage I caused, the damage I chose.

I let the hardship become bigger than me, I allowed it to overwhelm me, I let it consume me.

I sought simple comfort to help me, shield my hardship, please make it easier, please.

Comfort came, I let the drugs own me, filling my void temporarily, then my void erupting, indomitable.

I am an addict. At times, I am not strong enough to stay centered and I go too far, way too far.

The pot, the pills, the coke, the dope, the meth, they filled my void, then became my void.

Every single day, for 13 years, my void grew until it fell on me to fall one last time, or choose to live.

Today, April 4th, 2021, a day I treasure, today, a day I must remember, to garner forward movement.  

Today, April 4th 2021, 32 years to the day, when on April 4th, 1989 I chose to live, not fall.

I chose to live by being bigger than my pain, bigger than my drugs, and stop hiding behind my own lies.

Maybe you run from your pain, still, and you may find temporary comfort outside yourself, still.

You get to do your life any damn way you want. Only you can choose your path and only you can walk it.

I wish you the courage and the willingness to live your best life your way, gaining strength as you go.

Was it easy to stop using drugs once I decided? Hell no, it took another five years to actually do it.

Once I finally stopped, once and for all, did it get easier to stay clean after a year, five years, 10, 20? No.

Do I still taste the smell of the cocaine needle entering my arm? Hell yes, every day, even 32 years later.

Ok, yeah, whatever, but how? Really. Literally, how did I stop? Well, first of all, I had nowhere else to go.

I overdosed twice. Unequivocally I wanted to quit and not die, so I decided I would quit.  

I tried over and again, to just not use, for a minute, or five minutes, or 15 minutes, or an hour.

But just deciding to quit after almost a decade of using proved to be harder than wanting and trying.

With a staunch commitment to living, and a resulting necessity to quit in order to live, I figured it out.

I could not quickly or easily quit because deep down, I still liked getting high and escaping my hardship.  

I related reality to hardship. I could not envision my ability or resolve to rest soundly in reality, no way.

Facing reality on my own and without the crutch of drugs seemed too hard, too painful, and unrealistic.

Only when I put my intent to NOT do drugs FIRST, and my wanting to DO drugs second, was I successful.

Yes, I still wanted to get high. I loved getting high, I loved being high, and I loved the euphoria of it all.

But that euphoria was a lie, I was not me as myself, I was my artificial self, my weak self, my lying self.

I wanted to get high, I accepted that truth but put it second. I put first that I wanted to NOT get high.

32 years ago, I chose to try and stop lying to myself, lying to family and friends, and lying to the world.

32 years ago, I chose to try and live intentionally, within my own shoes, with purpose, and on purpose.

Staying clean is not easy, never easy, but staying clean is worth it, always worth it, at least for me.

(CLEAN photo by the masterful Brett Stepanik)